Life isn't fair.

Just... what the fuck?

I know so many good, strong, amazing people that are getting fucked over by life, and I don't understand it.

For instance, Kite. KITE is the biggest sweetheart EVER, and he's so gorgeous and basically the inspiration for every Neruda poem ever written, and life is so hard for him. WHY?

And Stephanie. God, My Luna. I've known her since Grade six, and she's the only person that's stuck by me and automatically accepted me. She was the FIRST person to accept me as Halen, and she's always loved me unconditionally. And she's confined to this life of boring weekends and nights spent studying, wondering why she doesn't fit in. It drives me crazy. She's so utterly lovely, and she deserves so much better.

And then there are the people who bullshit you.

Like Daniel. He fucking TWO TIMED ME. He lied to be about EVER breaking up with Jessica, and went out with both of us at the same time.

I'm fucking livid.

How... how you could even do that to someone, I'll never know.

And it's not like I can call Cheyne again crying -- that scared him badly enough on Thursday.

And I can't... I can't seem to explain myself to my friends, so I'm stuck in this... BOX, with this incredible weight crushing down on me, and I'm not strong enough to lift it on my own.

I keep telling myself that I'm stronger than I thought, and that I just need to push myself to breaking point, and then it'll be better.

But this other part of me keeps saying "Just give up. It's not worth it, anyway. Just take care of things the way you used to." So on top of everything else, there's this inner war being waged.

I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be at school. So, what place does that leave for me? Nowhere.

Do I not deserve better? Does the Goddess not want me to be happy? Ever?

Tonei and I have been speaking about drug-free lifestyles, and our takes on them. I ganked this from my sister's myspace.


"I was thinking about this tonight, and these are my thoughts, grrl.
The thing about straightedge kids is that they have this fervent passion, powerful kind of inner fire, call it hate, if you will, towards substance and all that surrounds it. They know how it can turn lives upside down, and how it affects not only the user, but everyone the user knows. This hate inspires them to be better than that. The hate inspires their willpower. Once you have true, uninhibited willpower, you'll never "slip" because you hate it so much you don't even put yourself in those kind of situations. It almost makes you sick to be around that stuff! You care about yourself too much to put those things in your body. I have to agree with Jen, if you were to claim edge and then intentionally "slip up" and "give in", you wouldn't be straightedge. You would be your own worst enemy: a hypocrite. When you're edge, you don't give up for three reasons: yourself, your friends, and your family.

I don't want to be a bumbering old lady with half a brain because of an alcohol or drug addiction when I get older. I don't want tar-encrusted lungs and to be on a breathing machine for the last three years of my life, or to die of a flesh-eating disease knowing I DID IT TO MYSELF. What a fucking HORRIBLE feeling!! I want to be sharp, clean, healthy, and all there for my husband and my kids and my friends. I want to experience everything life has to offer to the absolute fullest, every single day that I'm here, and I won't let anything take that away from me. It's an unselfish giving-up of things that make you feel good now but will ruin you in the end. That's the attitude edge kids have, and if you don't feel that way hun, I'd say you're not ready to give them up."

It's funny. I think I'm going to a show tonight, and a so-called friend of mine wants me to smoke at the show, just because there's an out door smoke pit. HELL FUCKIN' NO, man. She didn't like it when I said I didn't want to. Well, she can kiss my naturally black ass. I LIKE being who I am. A straightedge genderfuck with no place to go but UP.

I just bought a belt that says "Straight-edge" and "Drug Fuckin' Free." I'm wearing it to the show tonight, because I appreciate the irony of all the drunkards who want to go to a ska show.

I've been edge since grade 7. 2 years, and still going strong.

5 May, 2007. DRUG FUCKIN' FREE.
xfamily foreverx


And the lyrics below are based on what I've been feeling the last couple of days. ALSO ganked from my sister's myspace.


throwdown - 'shut you down'.

separate the true from trend and the snakes from friends
we always learn the hard way.
only fakes, running their mouths about loyalty
but now they got nothing to say to me.
just a line - "i love my friends, and i love my life".
well here's the truth punk;
only lies - your friends are names and your life's a game
i just call it how i see it.
take your time cause i took mine
and while i saw this through,
you'll get what's coming to you.
high and dry is where you left me
now i'll spit the truth, i said i'll spit the truth in your eyes.

it comes to this, purest of tests, no escaping judgment
i'm not gonna shut you down, i'll let you do it yourself.
i won't put you in the ground, you gotta learn what it means to fall.

separate the true from trend and the snakes from friends
you're gonna learn the hard way.
only fakes, running your mouth about loyalty
but now you got nothing to say.
just a taste of what it's really about
honor and owning up, don't be a coward.
face to face is where you judge me.
now i'm calling you out, i said i'm calling you out
i'll just be there with my back turned while you burn in hell.
i'm not gonna shut you down.

;]


Why Throw-UP when you can throwDOWN?

Survey stolen from genderfukdtonei!

Do it, loves.
( The survey! )

Another poem for Kite! <333333


Lovely One.

Lovely one,
Just as on the cool stone
Of the spring, the water
Opens a wide flash of foam,
So is the smile of your face,
Lovely one.

Lovely one,
With delicate hands and slender feet
Like a silver pony,
Walking, flower of the world,
Thus I see you,
Lovely one.

Lovely one,
With a nest of copper entangled
On your head, a nest
The coloUr of dark honey
Where my heart burns and rests,
Lovely one.

Lovely one,
Your eyes are too big for your face,
Your eyes are too big for the earth.

There are countries, there are rivers,
In your eyes,
My country is your eyes,
I walk through them,
They light the world
Through which I walk,
Lovely one.

Lovely one,
Your breasts are like two loaves made
Of grainy earth and golden moon,
Lovely one.

Lovely one,
Your waist,
My arm shaped it like a river when
It flowed a thousand years through your sweet body,
Lovely one.

Lovely one,
There is nothing like your hips,
Perhaps earth has
In some hidden place
The curve and the fragrance of your body,
Perhaps in some place,
Lovely one.

Lovely one, my lovely one,
Your voice, your skin, your nails,
Lovely one, my lovely one,
Your being, your light, your shadow,
Lovely one,
All that is mine, lovely one,
All that is mine, my dear,
When you walk or rest,
When you sing or sleep,
When you suffer or dream,
Always,
When you are near or far,
Always,
You are mine, my lovely one,
Always.

-Pablo Neruda

I'm breaking up with Daniel.

I adore him, but I just CAN'T let another guy fuck me over.

I'm sick of being compared to the exes, the to-bes, and the might-bes. It's just not fair.

WHY can't I meet a really nice person, regardless of gender, who loves me as I am, and who just happens to be vaguely romantic?

Like the people I meet here, on Livejournal.

I love y'all, you're like my family.

Especially Kite and Tonei.

I just... I just want something better.

I'm so, so tired of life.

This poem reminded me of Kite, and since I was having a bad day, and this put a smile on my face... I thought I'd put it up for him. HAND-TYPED, by the way. Not copy/pasted. It was a labour of love. <3



Soneto XVII

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
a flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman cientas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de si, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscura en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendio de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber como, ni cuando, ni de donde,
tem amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
asi te amo porque not se amar de otra manera,

sino asi de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre my pecho es mia,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueno.


TRANSLATION:

Sonnet XVII
I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in wihch there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.


-Pablo Neruda.

INSTRUCTIONS:
01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and
creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions. (Yes, sir.)
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview
someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them
five questions.

GOD. DAMNIT.

The thing, the ONE thing I love about my body is that my periods are irregular.


No 'time of the month' for me.

It sometimes leaves me alone for MONTHS.

But then, when I have it!?

OHDEARGOD.

I cannot handle this.

I. HATE. MY. VAGINA.


theend.

Comment I left Kite earlier today:

You KNOW it's bad when you're not on T, but on anti-depressants that are supposed to KILL your sex-drive, and everytime someone good looking walks past you, you SERIOUSLY contemplate chasing them.

The other day I watched some guy walk away from me and walked face first into a tree. xD


SO DAMN TRUE.

I swear that if i EVER have sex, I'm going to be a raging nymphomaniac.

RAGING, I tell you.


On another, highly related note, I like this guy.

His name is Brett, and I guess he's known for being a badass. +Eyeroll+

I don't know... I don't like relying on other people's opinion of someone. Leaves too much to be discovered -- or ignored, for that matter.

I've only talked to him once, but he keeps staring at me during lunch. wth.

From what I know from talking to him -- he's really dorky, he's got braces and GORGEOUS blue eyes, and he's into metal and tattooing, just like I am.

My horoscope said that I should be FORWARD. I think I might talk to him tomorrow. What do y'all tihnk?

I'm being watched for pneumonia until Monday.

I think I might've given Meevie-cakes my upper-respiratory infection via my internetssss. :[ Sorry about that. xD;;;

I started working on a graphic novel with a friend of mine. It's exciting, but he's getting pushy, and if he doesn't stop it, I'm going to break his face. ;D Actually, I'll just quietly fad einto the backround as I usually tend to do.

Gender-identity is so stressful. I've made demands on top of pleas on top of whatever else there is that I be called Halen by my friends in my hometown, and still, only one of them has actually accepted it without a thought, because she loves me exactly as I am.

I love her for that. Her name's Stephanie, and we've been best friends since grade 6, and now I'm reminded of why that's so.

So, I know that unconditional love EXISTS, through Stephanie and through the various people I've met on LJ and via my activism. The PROBLEM being that so few people I'm in constant contact with at HOME know or understand it.

I see good looking people on the street or at school, and I walk just a little bit faster, as if I'm trying to outrun the thought of what would happen when I tried to explain my gender to them. I mean, I know that not everyone is cruel, just that most people are IGNORANT, but it's killing me that I have to be the one to educate them at home.

I wish I could just date one of the kids from the gender identity/expression communities on LJ, but being as great as they are, they're all dating someone. x.x

I need to go eat, watch American Idal, and calm down.

-Halen.

Reading Dostoevsky makes me brain ache.

Choir performed -- we, the second of five levels of choir, were the ONLY ones to get a standing ovation during the night performance. Then, during the sharing seventh period, we had a standing ovation ANDDD 96% of audience members joined in with as much enthusiasm as we had.

Pretty much the two best moments of my life.

For the performance, I had to prance around in this short black dress, and allow me to tell you something -- IT WAS FUCKING COLD. I ranted about how I couldn't feel my legs, and basically whined to the bes tof my ability.

Then YOHANN asked me out. YOHANN, who I've never fucking spoken to before yesterday. ...Not on his life. It'd be different if we'd actually spoken beforehand, or he'd asked me directly, but he sent Kat and Nat as messengers, and just... no.

This guy Brett was hitting on me on Monday, and hasn't said a word to me since -- but everyone says he's really a bad guy, and I should stay away from him. I just don't know that I want to let everyone else's opinion of him get in the way of me making one of my own.

And Cass is acting up, too. We've gotten really close the last week or so-- we don't even need Kat to be around to have a conversation. We were playing around yesterday and he offered me his jacket, and I grinned and said yes, and he said 'Too bad.' Now I'm gonna kick his ass on Tuesday. :]

Since I got my hair done, I have way more confidence around guys. Since I got my hair done, guys have also, coincidentally, been paying more attention to me. I mean, it's nice, but do I really want to be with anyone that only thinks I'm attractive now that I've got my long red locks and I look inherently female?

Your thoughts are more than welcome.

You know what would be great?

A fucking DATE, with a great person.

Oh my god, you guys. I feel like DEATH.

No exaggeration. I haven't gotten more than an hour or two's sleep the past few nights in a row, and on top of that, the migraines are getting worse and worse because this whole fiasco with George, along with this whole gender-transition thing has just gotten me SO damn stressed out that my body's struggling to fight back, and losing.

I spent roughly THREE HOURS curled into a ball in the nurse's office today because my migraine made me so sensitive to light that being outside made me want to throw up.

One can only take a handful of Ibuprofen once every SIX HOURS.

I told my mom about ALL of this, and do you know what she said? That I need to try harder to fall asleep. Or just lay there until I do.

For the record, that DOES NOT work. I repeat, DOES NOT. I spend hours on end, laying in the dark, staring at my cieling and hoping I'll fall asleep. Doesn't happen.

All of this, combine, is making me MORE stressed. I honestly just don't know what to do anymore.

SOS.

A - Available: Mhmm.
A - Age: 14.
A - Annoyance: Being ditched.
==============================
B - Best feature: Uhhhh. I don't know, you tell me.
B - Beer: =death.
B - Birthday: 28 August.
==============================
C - Crush: Heh.
C - Car: I'll let you know when I get one.
C - Candy: Is delicious?
==============================
D - Day or night: Night.
D - Dream Car: '63 Thunderbird, or a '57 Bonneville.
D - Dogs or Cats: Cats.
==============================
E - Egg nog: Ew.
E - E-mail: who wants to know?
==============================
F - Favorite color: Black and Green.
F - Favorite Band: Incubus, y'bitches.
==============================
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Worms.
==============================
H - Hair Color: Fire engine red and black.
H- Height?: 5'4"
H - Happy?: Mostly.
==============================
I - Instrument: I play one?
I - Idol: Gerard Way.
J - Jewelry: Rings, mostly.
J - Job: None, yet.
J - Jail: never
==============================
K - Kids?: Definitely.
K - Kickboxing or Karate: Karate.
K - Kindergarten: <3
L - Love: meh. my views are too complicated for a myspace survey.
L - longest car ride: 2 hours.
==============================
M - Milk Flavor: Chocolate.
M - Most Missed Memory: Grade 6.
M - Movie Last Watched: uhhh. Can't remember.
==============================
N - Number of Siblings: 3.
N - Number of Tattoos: None, yet.
N - Nickname(s): Halen, Halia, Hals, Lily, Sunshine, Anthony, Little Juan.
O - One regret: that's personal.
P - Part of your appearance you love: My lips!
Q - Quick or Slow: depends on what you mean.
==============================
R - Reason to smile: Brandon Boyd.
S - Song Last Heard: Welcome to the Black Parade.
S - Skinny-Dipped: xD Not yet.
T - Time you woke up: 3am, 5am, 6am, 7am.
T - Time Now: 5:15 pm.
==============================
U - Unpredictable: Not really.
U - Unforgettable: No clue.
==============================
V - Vegetable you hate: Brussel sprouts.
V - Vacation spot: San Francisco.
==============================
X - X-Ray: Several.
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: Is pretty.
=============================
Z - Zoo Animal: Giraffes.

This whole self-revelation thing is WAY harder than I thought.

I'm sick of giving people everything I have just to be given absolutely nothing in return, or be jerked around and screwed with simply to amuse someone. But changing everything I've ever been is so, so difficult.

It's draining.

Reinforcing that I'm Halen, not Mahalia. That anyone who really loves me will accept things on MY terms, not theirs. Will love me for ME, not who they expect me to be. Will treat me as I deserve to be treated, not the way they FEEL I should be treated.

Walking the line between male and female, terrified that I'll fall into some abyss between with NOTHING beneath to catch my fall, and shatter into a hundred million irreplaceable pieces.

So how am I to transition? Maybe it's not nearly as important as my beloved transfriends who have so very far to go, but... I feel as though I'm doing the same sort of thing. The person that I've always been has HAD her turn. And now it's Halen's turn to live, and to be happy.

It's getting there that's the problem.

They're big. Apology in advance to people with internet as slow as mine.

( Under the cut, kids. )

1. Don't take any shit. From anyone.
2. Get ALL homework assignments completed and turned in.
3. Read more classic literature.
4. Bloom as Halen, not Mahalia.
5. Stop doubting myself.
6. Date someone who'll love me exactly, exactly, EXACTLY as I am.
7. Work on novel.

I'm switching schools, because if I don't, I WILL kill myself.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

I just want it all to be over.

i have this really bad habit of picking douchebags for best friends.

i guess that sad part is that i really did love him, and i still do.

i don't want to give up on him. i hate the idea of giving up on him.

but...

he seems so happy without me in his life. no matter how fucking pissed i am at him, no matter how betrayed i feel, his happiness still means the fucking world to me.

maybe...
i dunno. i want to say that it's for the best, but i just can't get him out of my mind. i don't want to believe that he actually wants me the fuck out of his life, but he just looks so much happier.

i miss him. i miss the tone of his voice and the way i had to lean in to hear him talk. i miss that fucking ridiculous smirk of his. i miss listening to him make dirty jokes that had me snickering. i miss writing him long, rambling notes that meant absolutely nothing. i miss writing myspace messages back and forth for days, so that i'd literally have three or four solid pages of messages from him.

i miss my best friend. i don't want to think that i fucked up like i did with dale, and that we were never really best friends. because hearing that again would honestly, truly, and totally kill me.

something's gotta give, and i think it might be me.